EDIT: Phoned up job agency. yay.

I don't know what to do with my life. I'm signed up to do a course at uni, and I'm not sure whether I want to do it, or whether I'm just clinging vainly to the shreds of my childhood dreams and going along with them rather than with my current self.

I'm too apathetic. I need to get a job, yet I woke up at 11am today, and have been on the computer for about 6 out of the 7 hours since then, and at no point have I picked up the phone and made a 2 minute phone call to the job agency who I've used before and say "Hi, I need a job again." Why? I couldn't tell you why.

I want to make a flash animation, yet I haven't even installed flash. I've storyboarded this flash in my head practically frame for frame, and back when I used to make flash I had a great laugh doing it, yet I can't bring myself to install it.

I didn't go out last weekend. I say to myself it's because all of my friends are still at university, but the truth is that all my friends who would ask me down the pub are at university. I know at least 4 people who were around last weekend who I wouldn't mind having a chat with down the pub, but I didn't pick up my phone and text them. I even chatted to one of them over MSN, and didn't bring it up.

I have a million and one small tasks to do. My desk is a tip. Somewhere underneath the piles of paper, cd cases, batteries, beer mats, and other tat is my Young Persons card, a card that gets me 20% off of most trips on the railway. I haven't brought myself to just leaf through it, and if its not there, to look somewhere else.

I fear commitment. There, I guess that's probably the problem with my apathy. I don't want to get a job because then I'll have to go to work for two months, I don't want to make a flash because then I'll have to animate, I don't want to go out because then I'll have to go out, why do that when I can just sit at home?

I fear letting people down, and I fear embarrassment. I went to get my hair cut today, and I walked past the front door of the hairdressers twice. When I phone people up, I feel petrified that it's not going to go right. Petrified. Maybe that's why I've clung to the internet so much, the anonymity of it is refreshing, the lack of accountability.

I can't help snacking. I am not obese, I am however, overweight, and I do very little exercise. I enjoy cycling greatly, but I never do, and I couldn't tell you why. My mum may call up to me and say "Hey, why don't you go out on your bike?" and I'll sit at my computer and call back "Yeah, I might do that in a few minutes", and four hours later the light will be dim and I'll still be sitting at the computer aimlessly posting.

A few people I know are quite impressed by the amount of posts I have. I now have the second largest post-count on Newgrounds, having surpassed Maus in the last few days, and I am, to a large extent, pretty ambivalent about it. One part of me quite likes it, the thought that I've contributed serious amounts of my time and energy to this website, and a different part, perhaps slightly larger, feels that, while nothing to be ashamed of, it's nothing to be proud of. Lets say I spend on average 10 minutes on NG per post. Over the last five years (coming up to five years next month) that's 230 full days on Newgrounds, or to put that into context, if I was surfing NG as a 9-5 job, that's 800 days, thats over three years of working weeks. That I've spent on Newgrounds. Add on to that the time I've spent on the portal, and it seriously adds up.

I don't know anymore. I'm not looking at quitting Newgrounds or anything, and in all honesty, I'm probably not going to come on here less or anything, but at least now I've said it. It feels good to get my thoughts out there.

I don't know what I'm going to do with myself. My hairdresser asked me if I was planning on going travelling after university, and it struck me, I have absolutely no idea of what I want to do with my life after the next three years. Zero. I want to get a stable relationship, maybe a child, but not for a bit, a stable job, and I want to be content. But I have absolutely zero idea how I'm going to achieve this. Maybe that's normal, I wouldn't be surprised if it is, but I can't help but feel that I should at least know what I plan to achieve in a medium-term situation.

I mean, I've just come back from two months travelling. An absolute riot. I'd thoroughly recommend everybody does something like it at some point in their life. But now, I'm just sinking straight back into that rut that I carved out. The last few nights I went to bed at 4am, and woke up at 11am. I don't want to do this, I just can't help it. I don't know. I don't even think "Oh, just a few more minutes, then I'll go to bed", I just think "Oh fuck it I'll stay up till I feel tired, and do that several times in a row until I'm living a disjointed life.

At the very least, I'm going to keep wearing sunscreen.

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